Funerals, Enemies and the New Age!

“Excuse me sir, what are you taking? Red or white wine? We also have a variety of snacks available, just make your way to the table,” a smartly dressed man said to me at my friend’s funeral.
Yes you have read right! At a funeral! You see in this new age of cellphones, internet, digital TV, laptops, facebook, and what not, things have changed. Even the way we mourn our dead has changed. Gone are the days when people gathered in a tent and sat round a fire while some women cried inside the house and a church choir sung some songs (Off key most of the time, to add to your misery). Things have changed.
Now we get to have a selection of the finest wines and the most scrumptious snacks at a funeral. We hang out in a marquee and listen to tunes like I’ll be missing you by P- Diddy, Faith Evans and 112 or better still the number one hit by Boys II Men – It’s so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

Yes, I know you think this is a joke. But no, this is serious business. My Friend, whose name I’ll withdraw to protect his family name, decided to quit the journey of life. In other words he kicked the bucket or as my new age friends would say: He clapped! As he was wandering about in the other side of life figuring out whether to follow the wide road or the narrow road (Tip: Follow the narrow road. It leads to heaven), down here his relatives were busy drinking wine and eating snacks and listening to sweet music as they prepared to bury his body.
The family gathered and argued about the type of casket to buy for the dead guy; they appointed a committee which would look into different issues like transport, burial site, the last will and testament, the type of booze and drinks to get for the guests, the type of suits that the pole bearers would wear (White or black), the type of music that would be played at the grave site and whatever other ‘important’ issues. And of course the family and friends would argue about whether or not to post the news of the guy’s death on Facebook or twitter!
Across the road, in some compound, another bereaved family gathers with friends around a fire in a tent. Here there is nothing like a committee. There is nothing like a casket. Everything will be kept simple… chibuku for beer, nshima and kapenta for lunch and supper. If money for a coffin proves hard to find, the option is to just wrap the body in a reed mat and burial will proceed.
Afterwards, the widow will be taken through all the traditional rites and by all means, sexual cleansing will be done – AIDS or no AIDS!
The dead guy’s Property will be shared amongst the rest of the family.
If the widow is lucky she will be married off to one of the deceased’s brothers. On the other hand if she’s unlucky the widow will be sent back to her family. She came with nothing and she will leave with nothing.
The above situations are what funerals in my society are all about… and they show you just how wide the gap between the rich and the poor is. However, no matter the extravagance; no matter the prudence, one fact still remains… someone is dead.
And people will talk…
“Kana yaka (He was HIV positive). He was in hospital for months. Didn’t you see how thin he was?”
“He was finished. After he lost his job I think he got depressed!”
“He used to brag. You know, it’s good he has gone.”
“He has gone without paying back the money he borrowed from me. The bastard”
“He was a wizard!”
And they will talk and talk whether your funeral is the five star type or the one star type.
To makes things even worse, most likely the guy who will be chosen to speak about you will be your worst enemy. The guy will try by all means to paint his face with a smile and say all the nice things he can think of. Deep down in his heart, every good thing that he will say will be the complete opposite.
“He was a good man….” The bugger was evil.
“This is really sad. He has died young…” Why did it take so long for death to visit the idiot? He’s better off as a ghost not as a human being.
“Let’s remember his family, especially his children and his wife…” I hope they follow him as soon as possible. I don’t have time to look after these pests.
It of course this account is a parody but when you spend enough time in my world, you will realize that some of it is close to reality. Crazy but hey, that’s life.